My Reign of Celibacy Has Come to an End

I didn't intend to go two and a half years without having sex with a real live person, but that's what happened. And you know what? I didn't even care. I have been so busy building a new career, setting goals and the steps needed to reach them and healing my inner child that I didn't miss intimacy one bit. Most of my life I thought sex was all guys wanted from me, so I gave it to them...sometimes, I even remembered it! (applause and eyerolls are both acceptable responses to that statement) It's no secret that sexual abuse at a young age often leads to promiscuity, and that certainly proved true for me, alcohol made sure of it. It's gross, really, but I was a lost little girl who didn't know the way; lucky enough to be considered pretty so it was an easy transition. From 14 to 38, I was a super slut - there's no nice way to put it.

Because my childhood was mired by conflict and abuse, I didn't have a 'traditional' outlook on life; I never dreamt of getting married and having a family, of being the good little housewife. Quite the opposite, it was more of a 'Imma prove them all wrong and do it on my own' path that I was carving. That being said, I did have a desire to feel wanted, but it was clouded by insecurities and alcoholism for most of my life, which is why I turned everything into sex . When I got sober at age 38 things got weird. I didn't know who I was without alcohol, everything was off and slightly uncomfortable - but I pushed through in the name of orgasmic pleasure to find sexual partners. No one stuck, it was either no chemistry or more friendship than lust and quite honestly I didn't have time for it. So I gave up on that noise, put my head down and began looking inward. I made new friends that only knew me as sober Steph, I dove into the world of toxic chemicals and wellness and how to clean up my act from the inside out, I helped educate others on things I was now passionate about. I didn't have time for dating and to be honest I was pretty content with myself for the first time in my life, I didn't want to fuck it up by bringing in someone else who might knock me down. I was battered and bruised in all senses of the term, the thought that there might be a partner for me that was wholy supportive was something I only made jokes about.

When I left my corporate accounting career a bit more than a year and a half ago, life got a crazy. I was/am working to replace a six figure salary by doing different jobs that I enjoy doing, and it takes time to build something from scratch. Have you heard the phrase a mile wide and an inch thick? That's me! I was saying yes to everything. Now I REALLY didn't have time to scour through the trenches to find an eligible bachelor to satisfy my sexual needs, and being a sober middle aged woman sort of ruled out random one night stands (although I did make an attempt at it). I shudder to think of the shit I used to do in my 20's and 30's, waking up like 'oh hello, what's your name?' But thankfully, the vibrator game has improved a trillion percent since I purchased my first back in college, the White Walrus, because doesn't everyone remember the name of their first vibrator?! With improvements in technology and a whole lot of practice, now I'm a pro and can knock that shit out in 5-7 minutes and then it's nighty night. No partner necessary, a true master of the art of doing it on my own.

I've been saying for a year or more that I'm getting ready to get ready to get ready to date again...rode that line out as long as possible. I never really WAS ready, but when the time since my last sexual encounter became years, plural, it made me scrunch my nose and take action. Off I went onto a dating app to throw myself to the wolves. Before you go thinking I met some rando and lost my second virginity, nope, that's not what happened.

Life is wild, you may already know that to be true. I had been talking to a guy I knew from high school in Florida for months; it began as friendly correspondence on Facebook Messenger and then it got deeper, but still just friendly. I put myself all the way out there in my blogs, on social media, in any way that I can, and it's not uncommon for people to open up to me as a result of something I said somewhere on the interwebs. That's what happened in this scenario; I enjoyed the new friendship and was continuously surprised at the depth of this man as he shared his most private thoughts, traumas and desires with me through messenger. Our communication became a daily thing and then this friggin guy appeared in a dream of mine one night, all hot and heroic and you know what I did? I told him about it, because I'm an oversharer of epic proportion. Our dynamic changed after that and for the next little bit there was sharp increase in communication, even branching out to (gasp) ACTUAL PHONE CALLS...and it was no longer just friendly. It didn't take too long before he booked a flight to New Hampshire to see what was really going on here. #virginitybegone

It went better than I expected - I'm a true pessimist of all things love. I can't even believe it but I didn't get annoyed with him once, and was even a little sad when I dropped him at the airport to go home. As I drove away I thought to myself what is this weird feeling in my belly?! My friend informed me that no, it wasn’t gas, it was butterflies and they’re a good thing. We had been joking for weeks before he came to visit about my unplanned reign of celibacy, and he was not shy about how helpful he could be in putting an end to it. But here's the thing, when he left it became clear this was more than just sex. And here we are today, sitting on FaceTime for hours at a time, giggling together, not wanting to hang up. Why not make my first relationship in what feels like 157 years be with someone that lives 1200 miles away? That makes perfect sense and is right in line with my love of uphill climbs; he flies back in today, let's do the damn thing.