Story Time with Stephie

We interrupt this somewhat heavy discussion about addiction, abuse and toxic chemicals for some story time. Over the course of my 44 years on this Earth, I have found myself in some of the most precarious situations, you wouldn't believe half of it! You wanna talk about embarrassing moments....you better have some time because I've got a lot of 'em.

This blog is aptly titled because my life has always involved a good bit of chaos....it's been a whirlwind and thankfully I can laugh about it now. Thinking back to college at the University of Florida, 'best days of my life' certainly comes to mind and alongside that sentiment came many life lessons and friendships made; so many memories! Sometimes I think the most vivid recollections happen surrounding less than ideal circumstances. Sophomore year I experienced what might still stand as the most embarrassing moment of my life, during a calculus class in Norman Hall.

Things I did a lot of during college: party, work, black out, cram for exams, have sex, play and watch sports, hang by the pool, smoke pot, enjoy live music, pop Xannies and experiment with other drugs - not necessarily in that order. As a freshman in the dorms, I was introduced to six foot bong hits by my new friends from South Florida. If you're unfamiliar, it's best done with 2 levels (top bunk / bottom bunk setup), and someone is up top sucking in while someone else at the bottom lighting the bowl and then pulling it out for the recipient. I had no idea this was a thing, and they popped up randomly, which is even more fun! Hey you wanna go to B's room for six footers? YOU BET YOUR ASS I DO!

At the time of this horrifying event, I was living with some friends off campus in a brand new apartment complex called Campus Club. Once we became high class citizens out of the dorms, we downgraded to a more respectable 4 foot bong. And that, my friends, was the beginning of my demise that day.

My bestie and I found ourselves in a circle passing the bong around, and suddenly I realize I've got friggin calculus all the way on the other side of town in 15 minutes! Calculus was a required class for me, and I did not enjoy it. We were wrapping up our sesh, and I said "fuck it, Tray, can you drop me off at Norman for calculus?" Bad move Stephie, bad move.

Tracy obliged, and I hopped out of her car outside class about 10 minutes after it had started. These auditoriums held hundreds of students, and in 1998 the professor stood at the front working off a projector board that required the lights in the room to be low; that board was difficult to read without perfect vision, even with the lights basically off. I opened the monstrously tall and creaky door to the room and a pool of light flooded the room, causing everyone to turn and look my way. Oh, hey, just me. The room was packed, and I had to 'excuse me, excuse me' all the way to a seat in the middle of a row near the back of the massive auditorium. I set my backpack down, fold over my little desk, and reach in my bag for my glasses........SHIT! I forgot them! Fine, whatever, it's fine....so I reach in the front pocket for a pen to start taking notes because unsurprisingly this teacher was NOT waiting for me to continue. I got my pen and immediately start squinting hard to make out the numbers and symbols on the screen and began furiously writing. I had no fucking clue what this was about, but I will write everything I see and make sense of it later.

After a few minutes I began to hear giggles and whispers around me and eventually I turned around to glare at them and see what's up; I mean come on, this shit is NOT funny so I don't know what you're doing over there (this was before cell phones, because I'm ancient). Annoyed, I turn around to regain my squinty focus on the screen and glance down to realign my pen and I saw it: the reason everyone was snickering and whispering. I was not taking notes with a pen that I grabbed out of the front pocket of my backpack, I was taking notes with a tampon that had come out of the wrapper in my bag....string hanging right on down, like a little tassel. It took me by surprise, and my WTF reaction was to kind of toss it in the air while yelling OHMIGOD; the tampon fell perfectly on the angled floor of the auditorium and rolled all the way down, row by row, causing a huge disturbance in the class. Again.

That's it, I'm out. I packed up my bag, folded my desk down, 'excuse me, excuse me'd my way right on out of there and I never went back. That, my friends was the only "D" I ever received in school (well, as far as grades are concerned...).

I walked to a payphone, called Tracy and begged her to come pick me back up. She was confused, and I only said "I hate calculus and I should not have gone to class today."